The Last Blog

Today I am flying away from the beauty of China and toward the familiarity and excitement of my next adventure in America- pursuing my Masters of Social Work at UC Berkeley. This will be my last blog for Polkahontas in China. Thank you so much for taking this journey with me. Your love and encouragement has taken me farther than I ever thought I could go. When you have time, I encourage you to look back at the post titled "I Believe I Can Fly", which I wrote the night before I left for China in June 2014. That night, I was filled with a paralyzing fear of the unknown. I can’t go back in time and tell myself that everything will be more than ok, but I am extending this important message to you. Fear is a powerful emotion that helps us survive. Yet sometimes, setting fear aside doesn’t just allow us survive; it allows us to live.

I BELIEVE I CAN FLY  

The past two weeks have been a wonderful blur. Originally, Jerry, Ann, my mom and I had planned to spend three days in Beijing, but the day after we finished The Walk, our good fortune ran out and the pollution returned to the Beijing sky, turning the cobalt blue sky a depressing shade of grey. My mom and I took one day to visit The Great Wall and then we bought train tickets for the overnight high-speed train back to Zhongshan. We were all excited to get out of our cramped Beijing hotel rooms and back to Ann’s hometown and my ‘China hometown’ of Zhongshan. We rented a soft sleeper, which consisted of four bunks in a small cabin. The beds were not comfortable, but they were much more comfortable than some of the beds we’ve slept on in the past four and a half months. The rest of the cabs were full of mostly men who weren’t nearly as excited to be on the train as we were. We took pictures and ordered beers from the dining car. Jerry bought Ann a packaged hunk of ham. I complained loudly and dramatically when they opened it because it filled our cabin with the smell of salty death.

The ride was smooth and quiet even though the train is capable of

TSIBY charity party

reaching speeds of up to 300 kilometers per hour. That’s over two weeks of walking in one short hour. The ride was smooth and quiet enough for us all to get some rest. We had boarded the train around 8pm, meaning our arrival time in Guanzhou was 6AM. It was a dark night and the windows displayed only blackness and our own reflections lit by the florescent lights in the hallway outside of our cabin. Inside, Jerry slept on the top bunk across from me. My mom snored on the bunk below me. I looked down at Ann’s bunk below Jerry’s. I could tell that she was writing a blog, as her phone lit up her face and reflected off of her glasses. I turned over toward the wall and hit ‘play’ on my ipod. Familiar lyrics came through my headphones from a song that Ann and I played many times on our journey. It goes like this:

“I’m coming home. I’m coming home. Tell the world I’m coming home. Let the rain wash away all the pain of yesterday. I know my kingdom awaits. They’ve forgiven my mistakes. I’m coming home, coming home. Tell the world I’m coming.”

Listen to "Coming Home"

Most mornings started with this song- a form of motivation to complete our goal in order to reap the sweet reward of home and everything that comes with it: comfort, love, fullness, laughter, relaxation, and stability.

That night on the train, I got the first glimpse of the magnitude of what we have accomplished. It hit me hard. See, Ann and I have not really felt this accomplishment much. Months ago, we had accepted that our life consisted of walking every day. “This is my life now” I had told myself. Just walk.

But on this night I caught a glimpse of what this accomplishment looks like from the outside. As the enormity of our walk washed over me, it sent a shiver down my spine. I was proud of us.

I slept for a few hours, then went to sit in the hall once the sun came up. I watched the scenery whiz by us like a rewinding VCR tape of the first two weeks of The Walk when we were just north

of Guangzhou. I recognized the beautiful mountains and rice paddies that we had walked through four months prior. The scenery was breath-taking, consisting of steep lush mountains, calm rivers, and narrow valleys that each hosted a cloud that had yet to evaporate in the morning sun. I made a mental note to frame some of the pictures from this journey. China is so beautiful.

I spent the first week in Zhongshan playing tour guide for my mom. We kept our schedule relaxed, watching House Hunters with the Canadians and visiting the foster home. On the night before she left, Adrian, Roberta, mom and I went to a fake hot spring resort….one where you can stick your feet into a pool and have fish eat the dead skin off of your toes. It was….a cultural experience. 

I also celebrated my 24th birthday by getting inked. Ann and my mom looked on as a Chinese tattoo artist wrote 8 characters on the inside of my left bicep. The translation is, a journey of a thousand miles starts with a single

Ink'd

step.

My final week was spent with the Canadians after Cork went home to America. Each day was full of cartoons, family meals, overly competitive Skip-Bo tournaments, visits to New Day, and Netflix. Ann and I attended a fundraising event for The Sunshine is Beside You. It was a heavenly week.

Currently, I am camping at a café table at the Hong Kong International Airport, waiting for a flight home to The Motherland, USA. I made it a goal to be home by the 4^th of July, and if all goes well, I will be. Last night I said goodbye to the New Day babies and all of my Zhongshan friends. I resent the fact that goodbyes are part of life. I strongly believe that everyone I love should follow me everywhere I go.

I didn’t sleep last night in an attempt to put myself on American time in advance. I stayed awake on the Canadians’ couch talking to

Me and the 'Little Canadians' before departing on The Walk

Adrian about the wonderful mistakes of my past and the uncertainty of my future, then I watched multiple episodes of Modern Family after he went to bed. Early in the morning, the little Canadians started coming out to the living room and collapsing on me, creating a kind of human/couch tetris game that none of us wanted to break. I continued watching Netflix with them sticking to me like little barnacles. I felt their little heartbeats in rhythm with my own, and my heart filled with gratitude for the opportunity to meet such wonderful humans as the Canadians, big and small.

I said my goodbyes and left with an envelope of notes from the sweet family. I read the letters on the ferry to the airport, stopping every few lines to wipe away mixed tears of sadness and joy.

my people

It is a strange feeling to leave this place that has grown me so much in the past 13 months. I am both sad to leave and excited about the mystery of my next adventure. I am surprisingly calm. Though, I feel the hole that grief is occupying in my heart. My medicine for this brokenness is this thought; I had no business meeting these wonderful people of Zhongshan in the first place. The probability of a small town girl from New Mexico running into these great international people in this city of China at this time in life is very low. So the hard part is over. Now all it takes to see them again is a plane ticket. So, with the support and love of my many new friends, I am moving forward. I don’t know exactly WHAT my future holds, but I do know WHO it holds- my Zhongshan family.

The Great Finish

We are finished. What wonderful words to type. We woke up in a hotel about 10 kilometers from Tiananmen Square on Saturday, June 13th- our final day. At 8:30 a.m. we walked out of the hotel to meet 8 of the New Day volunteers who offered to join us for the finish. It was a lovely morning spent chatting with them as we walked. The group consisted of mostly

The New Day Beijing Interns

college students who are spending their summer as interns at New Day Beijing. For two and a half hours, I bombarded each of them with questions about their current dreams and goals, their hometowns and their families. It was so nice to have so much company. Talking to the students kept me calm and levelheaded on a day that I’ve been thinking about for almost a year now.

As we got closer to the square, the crowds became thicker and I started to get excited. Just outside of the square, my mom and Jerry emerged from the crowd. I walked toward my mom as quickly as my tired legs would let me, and gave her a long overdue hug so

Me and The Corkmeister

tight that I accidentally hurt her healing ear. Through tears, she told me how proud she is of me. If a 23-year-old woman who has just walked across China can’t hold her mommy and cry like a baby, who the hell can?

After our reunion, we continued into the square to meet volunteers from Ann’s charity who had come up from Zhongshan to meet us. We heard them before we saw them, running and rolling toward us with open arms, literally squealing with excitement. Soon enough they were on top of us, hugging us, thanking us, and celebrating. One woman stood up from her wheelchair and hugged me tightly, wailing in Chinese the whole time, her whole body vibrating with joy.  She was almost more excited to see me than my own mother was! For a full minute this woman hugged me, pushed me away to look at me, then kissed me

The Joyful woman

on the lips and repeated her process. Squirm as I might, I was overcome by her energy and I could not stop laughing while she had me in her arms.

After the photo shoot commenced, we had lunch with the volunteers. My laughter continued as I watched my mom try to master the art of chopsticks over lunch. After watching my mother curse her bowl of noodles for about five minutes, one of the staff members tapped Mom on the shoulder and handed her a fork.

The next day my mom and I went exploring and found some of the

best food I’ve had in months at a restaurant that served fresh juice and brunch. We wandered the city and talked for hours, catching up on lost time.

On our final day in Beijing, we visited The Great Wall. Laughing our way up the steep steps of The Great Wall was a beautiful experience to share with my mother. Beijing is a beautiful city that was fun to explore. But I was more than ready to get back and see the ones I love in my “China hometown” of Zhongshan.

the treacherous steps of The Great Wall

A New Day

We arrived to New Day Beijing on Tuesday. Sara, a volunteer coordinator for New Day, met us at the main road outside of the village and led us to the community center/foster home that is New Day Beijing. When we turned the last corner, we saw a large group of about 50 volunteers waiting for us at the gate. They had a huge banner welcoming us to New Day. There were balloons hung on the gate, and the crowd started cheering when we were still 100 yards away. My eyes filled with tears. It was such a beautiful way to be welcomed to a very special place.

Donna, the head of volunteer services, showed us to our dorm where we got cleaned up and rested after our 20 kilometer walk that day. Full of energy, I got a quick tour of the campus. New Day Beijing is currently home to 25 foster children and many summer interns from overseas. Very friendly staff members that obviously love their jobs run the establishment. Inside of the gates, creative energy flows. New Day offers many services such as a community preschool and affordable home schooling for Chinese students who want to eventually study overseas. There is also a section dedicated to creating art that will later be mass-produced and sold. The profits of these decorations, magnets, and trinkets help keep the place running. There are hundreds of these beautiful New Day creations hanging all over the walls, giving the place the feeling of home.

Ann and I took the short walk into the village of Qingyundian to find dinner and groceries. When we got back to the New Day compound, I took full advantage of their huge TV, movie collection, and couches. I LOVE watching movies and I’ve missed it so much these past four months.

The next morning I woke up with gratitude in my chest. A few times during this trip I’ve had dreams that we had finally arrived at New Day, only to wake up to disappointment. It was a surreal experience to actually be there. I had a lazy morning of tea and movies, Skyped my mom to make sure she had everything she needed to bring over (i.e. pretty clothes and yummy food for me).

In the afternoon Sarah took us for a tour of the foster home. It is such a beautiful, clean and happy little place. I was so excited to see Chris, one of the kiddos who had been at New Day South before moving North for treatment. Sarah showed us the play and therapy rooms, and took us outside to the yard and playground where the children were sitting in a group doing songs. It’s impossible to describe how beautiful it is to see these children smile and play. I encourage each and every one of you to experience it for yourself someday.

The foster home in Beijing is home to 25 foster children who patiently wait here to find their forever families. The children who wait here are bathed in love from both their Chinese nannies and foreign volunteers whose duties go far beyond simply loving on children. New Day Beijing volunteers take on jobs from cleaning toy rooms to leading educational playtime for the kiddos. The staff here are highly educated and trained to care for children with disabilities and they are always learning, teaching, and evolving. They are constantly rising to the challenge of offering the best care for the kids, no matter what the challenges. It is an impressively organized operation, a busy hive in the offices, but calm and happy upon entering the children’s zone.

I spent two days resting, watching movies, talking to and laughing with other visiting American volunteers, and playing with the foster kids in the afternoons. Ann and I spoke at a volunteer dinner on the second night. Much to my delight, the dinner included mashed potatoes and chocolate cake. My time at New Day filled me up in every way that I’ve been depleted over the past few months. I’m so very thankful for that.

On top of all of this goodness, the most amazing thing is the story of the land that the New Day compound is built upon. The plot has a dismal past. Once used as a place for troubled teens to commit suicide, nobody else wanted this cursed land. The founders purchased the plot and began building their oasis for children. Little did they know, a wise man once used to go to that plot of land to pray. He had a dream that people would come from a far away land to build a place for children. New Day is a dream come true for that wise man and many other people.

Needless to say, it was a lovely place to be. It was hard to leave, but I knew somewhere in my heart that I wasn’t saying goodbye forever. I could have stayed much longer, but we still have a job to finish.

To learn more about New Day, visit HERE

Cake

It was my New Year’s resolution to eat more chocolate cake…and to walk the distance from Zhongshan to

Beijing. So far, I’m succeeding at only one of those. But today I got to eat cake and it put me on cloud nine. There are very few things in the world that make me happier than chocolate cake. 

I’ve been thinking a lot about cake and freedom lately. There are so many flavors of freedom, and I have tasted many of them on this trip. I want to break a few of these experiences down for you.

I didn’t feel free at the beginning of this trip. I guess I didn’t feel that I had a choice in this matter because I had made the decision to do this back in August of last year. I wanted to honor that, but I also wanted comfort. I’ve done a lot of wrestling with these conflicting wants. This is a war that is so innately human that it’s comical. In the beginning, it was like a WWF Monday night wrestling match between my "Rock" hard head and my "Stone Cold" heart. The match continued even after we left Zhongshan…especially after we left Zhongshan. My head thought it still had a chance even after my heart was wearing the championship gold belt, signing autographs for fans, and hitting the showers. That’s such a strange metaphor, but I’m going with it.

The truth is that this trip has brought a lot of my personal demons out of their cages. This has resulted in a lot of bad days…and a lot of bad moods. Poor Ann. She has put up with so much shit. The best example of this happened back in February. It was the worst day of the trip (other than the bus incident back home) for good reason. It had rained every day for over a week. We were wet, as was all of our gear. We hadn’t been dry in days. I remember stopping to give fruit to a man who was sitting on the side of the road with no clothes and only a blanket covering him from the rain. It was a very cold day. The sight of him broke my heart. I was already having a hard day before I saw that man. I asked myself, “Who am I to have a bad day when this guy has less than I do?” But I didn’t feel better, I felt worse. After we saw the man, we walked a long way and we weren’t anywhere close to a hotel. A gnarly blister developed on my right pinky toe and it hurt with every step. I was cold, wet, in pain, and exhausted. And that’s when my head started doing the mean things that it does to me sometimes. Does your brain do this? Like a movie in my head, it began to play back every time I’ve fallen short…every time I did something I shouldn’t have, and every time I’ve embarrassed myself by being an idiot. It was like Niagra Falls of shame and embarrassment gushing though my head. I couldn’t take it. On top of everything else I was dealing with, I refused to take the abuse. I screamed at myself in my own head. God, maybe I am crazy. I screamed at myself to shut up…to be nice. I told myself that I have nothing to be ashamed of. Nothing. This was the day that something broke in me. Since that day, I have been a lot kinder to myself. I still sometimes go into autopilot and think mean thoughts about myself in front of mirrors (I think things about myself that I would NEVER say about anyone else. What an awful double standard). But now I can view my self-criticism as my subconscious want to be better, expressed in a misguided, hateful way. There's room for improvement here. I’ve started two traditions of kindness that are strange and a little bit crazy. I’ll share them with you anyway.

1) I've started washing my feet. When was the last time you actually washed your feet? Sure, they always get clean in the shower, but do you ever actually take time to wash the things that handle your weight all day, every day? Taking a minute to wash my feet slows life down enough for me to be so thankful for the simplest, most amazing things in my life that I often take for granted. Try washing your feet. If you don’t have feet, try a head massage because that feels amazing, too.

2) I’ve started giving myself a pep talk in the morning. The thing I’ve noticed about this is how much I can tell about my mental state just by taking a few minutes to encourage myself. I liken this to warming up before a tennis match. How is your topspin working today?How's your focus? On rough days, my pep talk usually sounds like this: “This shit is hard. I totally get why you wouldn’t want to do this because it isn’t easy. If you want to hide under the covers today, I fully support your decision. Though, take a second to think about the potential benefits of going out into the world today. Maybe there will be beautiful flowers. Maybe there will be something to laugh at. Maybe there are people out there who would be delighted to meet you….maybe there’s cake”. 

These little acts of compassion actually help me be a better human. No bullying necessary. 

In the past, I would beat myself up for having things that others don't. It’s the classic, “there are starving children in Africa” guilt trip that mothers pull on finicky children. What a crock of shit. Being appreciative of what we have is important, but a guilt trip only creates resentment. I’d rather deal with truth. My truth is that I haven’t always felt like doing this walk even though I dreamed it up and committed. But I did it anyway.

I see this as a tier of wants...like a wedding cake. Whichever want I place at the top supersedes all other wants. At the top of my cake, I put the want to walk the distance from Zhongshan to Beijing to raise money for New Day South. Every day since February 1^st, I have acted according to this want. The everlasting trouble is that the other wants on the lower tiers don’t go away. I still want comfortable beds, clean air, family time, pretty feet, a sense of

home, dinners with friends, to speak and be understood, clean bathrooms, and chocolate cake. On the top of my pyramid of wants, I put something that made filling my many other wants improbable for four months. That has made for a lot of hard days. I can’t think of a better way to put this than Eric Thomas did in one of his speeches. He tells the story of a young man who went to an old sage for advice on how to be successful. The guru tells the young man to meet him on the beach at sunrise. The next morning, they meet and go out into deep water where the guru grabs the young man and holds his head underwater. The young man struggles and thrashes and fights, but the guru is too strong to overcome. Finally, when the young man is about to drown, the guru releases him. After the young man catches his breath, the sage says, “When you want to succeed as bad as
 you want to breathe, then you will be successful.” Eric Thomas goes on to say that some people want success, but they don’t want it more than they want to party or be admired or sleep.

I’m not sure that I can say that I want to finish this as much as I want air. Inversely, if I wanted air, I wouldn’t be trekking to Beijing. Maybe I want this more than I want air. Either way, you get the metaphor.

In the beginning, I felt that I was a slave to the decision I’d made to chase this dream. But that wasn’t true. I was a slave to negativity. I yearned for the pile of things I didn’t have, and I was guilt tripping myself for the things I do have. What a terrible cage to be in. It took me a long time to realize that I am the key holder. 

There is a sense of freedom that accompanies the pursuit of a dream, and there is even more freedom in coming to terms with the fact that the pursuit can be unpleasant and downright miserable at times. And that's ok. It's an important part of the human experience. This leads me to my next dimension of freedom: appreciation. Appreciation is like a muscle. And when you don’t exercise it properly, it’s difficult to get into shape. It physically, emotionally, and spiritually hurts to strengthen this muscle. Some people live their whole lives without exercising it. Everyone can find his or her own way to make it strong. For me, it means slowing down. Sometimes I get it in my head that life is a race and I need to come in first or else I'm worthless. That’s a weird lie that I get caught up in. I don’t know who started it, but he or she should be reprimanded. Life is not a race. For me, appreciation means looking at the bigger picture. It means asking questions. What does this experience have to teach me? How might that lesson help me in the future? It means owning the fact that I am choosing to be here, meaning some clever part of me wants this for me even though I'm not comfortable. It means trusting that experiences don't have to FEEL good to BE good (imagine pain. It feels awful, and it's an important form of communication between your body and mind. We could easily die without it. If my stomach didn't start hurting when I was 14, I wouldn't have known to go to the hospital and a doctor never would have taken my inflamed appendix out. Pain helps us survive.) And sometimes it just means breathing. I’ve started looking at this walk as a game and it has helped my mood tremendously. Every time I have to eat food that I don't like in order to survive, a point is deducted. Every time I smell poo or garbage while walking or I have to use a dirty, soggy outhouse, a point is deducted. Every time I’m mean to myself or I worry about how I’ll pay for grad

school, a point is deducted. But there are plusses, too. Every time I Skype someone I love, a point is added. When I give myself a positive talk or wash my feet or get to eat yummy food, a point is added. When I find a rose to smell or a joke at which to laugh, a point is added. The game becomes about strategizing positivity and actively looking for opportunities to feed my soul each day. Life isn’t a race, it’s a game. Freedom is the prize. Let’s play. 

Nanjing

Wow! I’m so behind on storytelling. I want to finish the story of Nanjing because it was an incredible and unexpected highlight of this trip.

We left Bill and Karen’s place in the morning after spending two nights with them. Karen came with us as we loaded my pack and Ann’s trailer into a car to go to the Nanjing International School. We connected with Juan, an administrator and teacher at NIS, via a teacher whom we met in Suzhou. When we arrived at the school, Juan greeted us at the gate and guided us through security. Juan is a very kind and generous man, originally from

Us with Karen in their home

Colombia, who hosted Ann and me not only at the school, but at his home as well. We started the day by meeting other administrators and dropping our packs off at the front office. The school immediately felt like a different world than the one we’ve been immersed in for months. Bright-eyed, hospitable, people walked the halls with smiles on their faces. The atmosphere was comfortable, clean, open-minded, and cheerful. It was a breath of fresh air just to be there. Juan gave us a thorough tour of the establishment. The school is unique in the way that it is a non-profit private school filled with teachers and students from all over the world. The Chinese government does not allow Chinese students to attend international schools, so the only Chinese students who attend have passports from elsewhere. Since the

The Annimal and Bill

tuition goes back to the school and everyone collaborates to make decisions, the school is equipped with everything the students need to learn effectively and efficiently. They have a swimming pool, a theater, an art studio, a work shop, dozens of bright and cheery multi-media classrooms, a cafeteria that serves delicious food (not just Chinese food, thank goodness), a coffee shop, a gymnasium, a soccer field, and many play structures. They are even starting up a special education program, responding to a need that hasn’t been filled yet in the community.

Contrary to what you may be thinking, we weren’t just there to sip iced coffee and tour this amazing place. We were there to spread our story. The first classroom we spoke to was full of high school students who were getting ready to go out into the world. They listened intently as we spoke, played videos, and answered questions. I love working with students this age

giving a speech to primary students at NIS

because they are so dang bright and optimistic. They are untainted by negative people of the world who dare to utter the words ‘you can’t’. We spoke to the high school students, then to the primary students, then to one more class of mixed ages. I also LOVE talking to little kids. They are so much dang fun. When talking to children, you get to use imagination and play with words and ask silly questions and speak in a way that would make most adults think you’re crazy. With children, I can be the child that I am with no reservations. The kids were amazed at the story of our walk. They asked intelligent questions and we gave them time to talk amongst themselves about what it might be like not to have your favorite food for five months (they were appalled at this idea, as am I). When we finished the talk, some of the fourth graders came up to take pictures with us. I was sitting on the stage and they all crowded around me like little barnacles. It was like a big hug- I can’t think of a happier moment from the past few months. Visiting NIS was great for two reasons.

1) They gave us a card that allowed us unlimited food and coffee. I was BUZZING after my second grande iced coffee. My lunch was a feast of foods I love but haven’t had in months: muesli, fresh cut fruit, a salad bar, grape juice, and chocolate cake. Kids came to sit with us in the cafeteria and they talked about everything from their pets to the family vacations while I straight up CHOWED on that feast. Yummmmmm.

2)Personally, I believe that there is no greater cause in the world than encouraging and inspiring young people. I had a Skype chat with my Berkeley advisor a few weeks ago; he asked me what demographic I might like to work with this fall during my internship. I mentioned that I haven’t done much work in schools or with suicide prevention, so I might like to try either of those. But any placement is fine. Any demographic can teach me something and vice versa. I am going into social work with a broad mind because I know that it is never too late for people to turn their lives around. There is no story too sad or obstacle too big to solve if someone has the will to do so. The words “I can’t” are the only end-all. But if we can encourage

Juan and his family

people when they’re young…imagine the possibilities! Imagine the stories we can help create. Someone asked me what motivates my heart to give, and my childhood has a lot to do with it. The Corkster (my mom) has been teaching special education since I can remember, so I grew up in her classroom as a witness to the love and compassion that happened there. Her students were my peers and I saw things in them that I loved. I admire the same characteristics in many people with disabilites that I do in children; character, strength, humility, pride, perserverence and HILARITY. Later in life it is absolutely possible to cultivate a giving spirit through choices and actions, and it is such an important concept to pass onto the children of this world so that they can have a head start. We’re on this earth to help each other. Kids understand this concept in a way that is so pure and beautiful. That childish wonder part of me has been somewhat dormant on this trip, and I struggle with that. It felt so good to be able to express that part of me freely for a day with the kiddos.

We stayed at Juan’s house that night with his wonderful family. His wife, Kath, who is from England, is also a teacher at the school. Both of his children are students there and his son is graduating this year. It felt so good to be in a home for a night. Their family reminded me so much of my own. We had dinner at a wonderful Indian restaurant and I watched the Discovery Channel with Juan and Kath in their living room before heading to bed. It was so hard to leave the next morning. As we walked out of Nanjing, I focused on the fact that this wonderful experience was a glimpse of what I have to look forward to when we finish: comfort, laughter, and family.  

The Psychology of Suck

I have been struggling. I had a wave of positivity and energy at the halfway point, and it has been exhausted. I am exhausted….borderline, depressed. Don’t worry, I’m not writing this with a razor blade to my wrist (I know, I know, depression jokes aren’t funny). But I definitely do feel a wet blanket over my mood. Ann has similar feelings, but she’s less of a baby about it than I am. The pinnacle of this wet blanket feeling was this morning. As we were walking, the feeling of lonliness came over me so strongly that I finally broke. All of the thoughts that I have been avoiding rushed through my brain.

Why are you even doing this? Why did you ever think this was a good idea? I miss being normal. I miss having dinner with my friends and family. I miss joking and speaking English to people and being with people who know my soul. I miss being hugged. I miss laughing until my stomach hurts and snuggling with my dog and going to the gym. I miss my brother and Netflix marathons and eating pizza and wearing swimsuits. I miss cute clothes and make-up and feeling feminine. I miss being able to blend into a crowd without

being called out as a ‘weigoren’ every day. I miss visiting breweries and tasting good beer in the mountains. I miss feeling like me.

I indulged in my own personal pity party, making my pollution mask soggy with my tears. When the hyperventilation subsided, I started to wonder. What is it that is causing me to feel this way? Obviously, we are all human and we all have bad days. But this is a bit of an extreme case. If I learned anything from achieving my psych degree, it’s that the human brain is absolutely amazing, influenced by thousands of factors that we hardly ever think about as having an effect on us. So with curiousity and limited access to peer reviewed journals, I’ve broken down the psychological factors working for and against us at this point in the trip. Nerd out.

1)    Not being touched. I’m one of those hug people. So is my mother. Humans are social creatures that can communicate and benefit from touch. It has been shown that affectionate touch and hugs relieve stress hormones and increase oxytocin (a hormone that promotes bonding, trust and generosity). I think the last time someone hugged me was in Nanjing when Karen gave us a hug goodbye. That was three weeks ago. Before we reached the cities, my last hug was probably in February when Annimal’s family came to visit. In general, Chinese people don't hug. I miss hugs.

2)    Horns. Every time a jackass trucker honks his horn as he passes us, I jump out of my skin. My body doesn't know that there's no real threat, so fight-or-flight kicks in and I feel my heart rate go up and my breathing become heavy as adrenaline and cortisol (a hormone linked to increase weight gain, blood pressure, high cholesterol, and heart disease) rush through

my veins. Since every trucker in China seems to have a horn where his brakes should be, Ann and I have cortisol cocktails in our veins all day err day.

3)    Not being with family. There’s just something about being with the humans who raised you. There’s just no substitute for deep roots. I’ve been with my family a total of 9 days out of the last350. That’s not enough. Eating with family can lower cortisol levels and promote relaxation. I want that. 

4)    Homesickness. There hasn't been extensive research on the idea of homesickness, but I can tell you that it sucks. I am two weeks short of 1 year in China, and that is just too long to be away from home. As much as I try to be mindful, my mind often daydreams about those first steps back on American soil. In detail.

5)    Lack of a social life. I am so bored. Get up. Walk. Eat. Shower. Go to bed. I have to be intentional about not becoming a drone. I crave a social life with fun people and jokes and debauchery. It's common sense that having many friends around makes for a happier you, and it's science. 

6)    No dogs. In my family, we are dog people. Since I've been alive, I've never not had a dog. I miss my dog so much. It is truly amazing how

dogs can promote such happiness and well-being in humans. It blows my mind. According to many peer-reviewed studies, interaction with furry friends can improve mental and physical health, (especially cardiovascular health), improve pain management, immune system functioning, and reduce stress-related parameters such as cortisol, heart rate, and blood pressure. We see a lot of dogs on the road. Most of them are barking at us like they want to kill us (causing more cortisol spikes) and some are sweet, but just too disgusting to touch. I’ve heard too many horror stories of people getting worms from dogs in China. Beyond that, restaurants that advertise pork, chicken and dog meat continue to break my heart into a million pieces.

7)    Exhaustion. We are exhausted at the end of every day. And too often, we aren’t able to sleep very well (sore muscles, the sound of traffic, the sound of people hocking loogies outside of our window, noisy hotel neighbors, rats in the walls, hard beds, etc) Being tired makes everything worse.

8)    Not getting laid. We’re all adults here. We all like sex. Intimacy with someone you love does wonderful things for the body and mind. It releases endorphins that make the world a brighter place. Cue Freddy Mercury “I need somebody to lo-ove, I need somebody to lo-ove, lo-ove looooove” 

9)    No comfort food. Everything can be wonderful in moderation. Like mashed potatoes and homemade chocolate pie. I don’t know the science behind this. I just really miss pie.

There is obviously plenty of evidence to make me feel okay about being so negative lately. I’m giving myself a pass on this one, as I'm not too proud to admit that these biological factors effect me in a large way. However, I refuse to focus only on the negative. We also have some psychology working FOR us. Feel free to add to the list if I miss something, but these are what I can currently think of.

1)    Being part of something greater than ourselves. This is twofold. The first ‘greater power’ is the team consisting of Ann and me. It can be extremely motivating to keep going when someone else's interest is involved. The second ‘greater power’ is our following and the people we’ve set out to help. I can’t lie; in many moments, I feel so far from everyone and everything that it’s hard to remember what else is out there. The Harvard Health journal

suggests that volunteering can lower blood pressure and promote longevity, while Psychology Today claims that people who volunteer experience fewer aches and pains (Ha! Until now....). I'll admit, sometimes I get so focused on how I feel in each second, that I forget to remember how many people we are (hopefully) an inspiration to and how many people might benefit from our efforts.

2)    Gratitude. This is the one that circles back to smack me in the nose if I let it slip away. I wanted a green light on this trip since last July when the idea was born. So many people have helped me get to where I am. As I expressed in “Ode to The Annimal", I am outrageously thankful for, and in awe of Ann’s efforts on this journey. I am blown away by the kindness people have shown us on the road, and by the encouragement y'all offer us every time we spill our souls to you. Robert Emmons does a great job of outlining the benefits of gratitude in his talk. He states that there is a strong tie between gratitude and health, happiness, and strong connections to others. Expressing gratitude is constantly something I’m trying to do more of. Momma taught me right, so I am constantly saying ‘thank you’, or ‘xiexie’ rather, to people for little things like helping me in the grocery store or bringing food to our table, but I can always up my gratitude game.

3)    Cursing. You all know that I love to curse. It rolls off the tongue so fluently. Each eff bomb is like a delicious little truffle. According to the Harvard Science Review, spewing curse words was shown to increase the ability of subjects to tolerate pain . i.e. Saying curse words makes life better! So take that, bitches! I’m sorry, I got carried away there….don’t go…..

4)    Exercise. We might be a standard deviation above the norm on this one, but it’s common knowledge that exercising is one of the keys to a long, healthy, happy life. An American Psychological Association study suggests that exercise can enhance mood and can also help alleviate long-term depression. So that's nice

5) Meditation. Of course it's fantastic, and of course I don't do it enough. Meditation reduces fear, anxiety, and stress while boosting mood and promoting empathy. Why don't I do this more?

  

In summary, all I can say is that this is hard. But not impossible.